S-O-S from USSF Space Cadet #509

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by: Paul Ivey
uploaded: 02/08/2021
notes:
okay here we go again s-o-s s-o-s and once again yes-o-s come on in come on back once again this is u-s-s-f space-cadet first-class five-oh-nine from the other side of the sun requesting that you come on in because you know mayday mayday mayday even though with a very-high degree of certainty the laws of physics dictate that there ain't no way you're getting this message past that really big large fiery ball right there mayday mayday come on in come on in s-o-s this is space-cadet five-oh-nine mayday mayday mayday and i'm just trying to you know talk to somebody one-eight-hundred tech-support come on back come on back i have almost certainly made an incredibly astronomically large mistake i mean yep it's a big'un (when they say large i mean he sits AROUND this space capsule) it was this joystick right here this-this one right here just above the engraved word that reads STEER i mean i've been staring at that thing for you know the better part of three years and yet i guess i didn't quite compensate on day i don't... six-thirty-eight did not compensate for the ever-increasing rate of my slowly-but-ever-increasing uhh sedentary space-weight so i'm just letting you know when i twisted my luscious plumpy three-year-old space body just like this to try and just try to pop the top on last-thursday's daily-ration-beer well it seems i guess that i might have ever-so-slightly nudged this stick right here i mean i think it was probably my i can't be sure but i think it was my long-haul space-cadet posterior and so i guess i may have and i'm not-entirely sure but mostly i'm certain that i may have sent myself hurtling towards a rather vast and expansive dark and foreboding you know universal fear but dotted with shiny stars and i guess the the gravity of the situation (ha-ha is this thing on come back please) is truly profound and weighty (ha-ha another joke and tip your waitresses but i'm totally sincere) s-o-s mayday mayday mayday something something something something come on something u-s-s-f space-cadet first-class five-oh-nine and of course and indeed in return from the other side of the sun NOTHING again ha-ha-ha you know the bob-bobble-headed jesus here keeps he keeps nodding a very confident certainty about how i've probably calculated correctly that i'm now way beyond the three degrees necessary to turn me thus i guess RE-turn me towards an existential crisis that might be a little more earthy and and i am very (i mean trust me) i am very very sorry it was it was so very very stupid of me but i mean i-i get it but accidentally (please please believe me) accidentally a total catastrophe an unexpected bum-bump but you know which now means that I probably never again will ever be engaging with all that lovely beautiful empathy and generosity and over-flowing creativity and loving-kindness from all my third-rock-bound kindred humanity no but in my defense okay (i mean whatever who's listening) in my defense what did you expect drafting me at the age of fifty-three from out of my lovely little degenerate desert r-v before (phhbbbt) shooting my soon-to-be slowly-plumping traitorous rump out towards infinity i mean sure the training but no one mentioned i mean literally ever mentioned this literal existential threat: space-capsule-bound ice-cream bad-feels desperation-eating not in the manual in the manual: my job: watch the blinky-blinky eat watch blinky sing badly-remembered jingles in time to blinky-blinky THEN apparently in-between blinky button-pressing total fat-butt calamity from a single zero-g beer-need nope not one peep of what my own bum might do the rest of me now it seems i'm drifting with a well truly ferocious alacrity out towards a bend just there around alpha-centauri and on then apparently towards m-eighty-three and yes yes i know what you're thinking but i'm just gonna hope that this is simply a strange, cosmic serendipity that i might just then if i'm lucky bump right on into space-cadets five and thirteen yeah as strange as that seems our notorious buddies neil and j-p and the others i get it one stole a rocket-eighty-eight and the other went a-wol piloting a dodge-swinger seventy-three so yes yes naughty-naughty outlaw-criminal-thing but hear me out now there's a silver-lining for-for-for me personally because that means i just might be able to uhh in my current-current tumbling predicament you know with the luckiest of TOTALLY RANDOM (i swear) trajectories i just might find myself somehow you know like trading a little left-over space-grass and drag-racing around the outer edge of quadrant x-r-v before of course starting a totally bitching legendary i don't know outlaw-inter-stellar-madness band you know to rock disaffected alien-teens or something which brings me i guess to what i should have started with umm it is with a very heavy heart and-and a sincerely grave reverence that i-i must report that on day uh five-seventeen just as i was beginning to get pulled around senor sol i-i happened upon a spinning capsule yeah uh indeed it-it is what you are thinking it is my unfortunate duty to report that a space-cadet just like me (i mean we promoted him to major apparently without him you know ever knowing) umm yeah indeed he-he is dead major tom is dead confirmed but i mean what did you expect really just like me i mean we-we were drafting a degenerate into a failed military extra-atmospheric experiment yeah we all knew all we knew all along the he was always a junky i'm sorry alas poor space-cadet no more and-and the rest is silence i-i guess uh this is united-states space-force space-cadet first-class number five-oh-nine signing off for the final time goodbye goodbye (hey, tom umm i mean that's done why don't you why don't you pop the top on a beer and let's hit these buttons...)            
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Link to the mp3 file:
S-O-S from USSF Space Cadet #509
Link to this view of the song:
http://song-a-day.netscrap.com/songs/?scrap_id=5417&scrap_category=45